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The Heap

In Praise of Festivus

Lost in the shuffle of the ongoing holiday madness was the fact that the Aluminum Association officially endorsed Festivus, the vague late December holiday whose origins trace to a 1997 episode of the sitcom “Seinfeld”. The Arlington, Va.-based aluminum industry advocacy group quoted “Seinfeld” character Frank Costanza, who lays out the tenets of Festivus in that episode: “There’s a pole, it requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting. It’s made from aluminum. Very high strength to weight ratio.”

Other key components of Festivus include the "Airing of Grievances," which occurs during the Festivus meal and in which each person tells everyone else all the ways they have disappointed him or her over the past year; the declaration of easily explainable coincidences as “Festivus Miracles”; and "Feats of Strength", during which the head of the household must be wrestled and successfully pinned to bring the celebration to a close.

The Aluminum Association went so far as to install a Festivus pole in its offices. Said association president Steve Larkin, “We think that the office Festivus pole just adds a bit more holiday cheer, and we’re thrilled to see that Festivus is fast becoming the 45th most favorite holiday in the U.S. Everyone needs to purchase their Festivus pole in time for December 23rd.”

The holiday has now come and gone, so while your neighbors are out looking for a place to chip their primitive Christmas tree, you can roll your pole down to the recycling center and collect the last gift of Festivus: a tidy handful of recycling cash.

If Festivus continues to garner this level of legitimacy, it is only a matter of time until it is graced with its own mildly offensive and deeply disgusting holiday pastry.

TAGS: Metals Archive