Signed, Sealed, Discarded

If writing this column has taught me anything, it's to ALWAYS check inside envelopes (and occasionally mattresses) before tossing them out. Because you never know when they might contain someone's life savings, the only existing copy of a will, an unpublished Shakespeare play or nude photos of a celebrity.

The latest schlub to learn this lesson the hard way is Achim Gerber, a music professor at Bob Jones University in Greenville, S.C. Gerber, preparing for an upcoming trip to his homeland in Germany, had obtained 3,500 euros — more than $5,000 U.S. dollars — and stashed them in a white, legal-sized envelope. As so often happens, that envelope ended up in the recycling bin and, subsequently, a Greater Greenville Sanitation Commission collection center. Though it took a month of searching through 20 tons of packed paper, Gerber, with help from Greenville sanitation employees, found the envelope. He reportedly emitted a “bloodcurdling scream” of joy and hugged all assembled, who were amazed by his luck.

So I ask you: Envelopes — harmless stationery or GATEWAYS TO HELL?


Take Me Home, Garbage Road

In the pantheon of unfortunate street names (Butt Hole Road, near South Yorkshire, England; Farfrompoopen Road in Story, Ark.; and the all-too-familiar intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga., to name but a few), you could certainly do worse than Florence Garbage Road in Florence, Ore. Though it clearly lacks in aesthetics, the name is functional, as the road services the Lane County Transfer Station and the neighboring Florence Area Humane Society. That said, including the word “garbage” in local place names doesn't exactly scream “civic pride,” so it's no surprise that residents lobbied hard to have the name changed to something a little more becoming.

Bending to political pressure, the city council recently agreed to rename the thoroughfare New Hope Lane. Whether the new name reflects genuine optimism on the council's part or their devotion to Star Wars was not disclosed.

SOURCE: The Siuslaw News